Chapter 9: Swaddling :: The Baby Straight Jacket + a Giveaway!

After 40 weeks of waiting, the day finally arrives. For your hours of pushing (or lying on the table having the little freeloader removed) you are rewarded with a tiny squawking bundle. Indeed, the new arrival is so perfectly wrapped that you feel like you are holding a present, or maybe a small, warm loaf of bread, fresh from the oven. You will gaze lovingly at the little loaf, memorizing every detail of their skin, their smell, the little hairs on that tiny head… when in FACT you should be memorizing the exact way that kid has been wrapped, because you will NEVER get it that perfectly again. Straight jacket

Swaddling a baby is a carefully choreographed dance of skill and style. It takes superhuman dexterity to hold down kicking limbs and then origami-fold a blanket to replicate the cramped quarters of your uterus.

You will try, confounded by 2 square feet of fabric and 8 pounds of baby.

You will wrap successfully only to see one small hand wriggle its way up and out within minutes… and if your kids are anything like mine, that hand immediately takes out the pacifier and then proceeds to scratch eyes and soft baby skin with newborn talons.

Fear not, for you are not alone in your distress. Swaddling has been confounding first time parents for years and I must admit that it took having a second before I even became moderately good at it. I remember with my first, “swaddling” him, only to have him bust out within minutes and startle himself awake. I remember sleepless nights, crying because I couldn’t figure out why my little Houdini couldn’t just STAY IN THE DAMN SWADDLE ALREADY.

It wasn’t until my sister-in-law really showed me, that I realized swaddling isn’t for the faint of heart. I watched, heart clanging in my chest as she wrapped him, one wing of the blanket and then the other, pausing to put one hand on him and PUUUUUUULLLLLL that blanket impossibly tight. I thought, it’s too tight! He’ll hate it and be scarred for life and I’ll be paying therapy bills for years and OMGAWDMAHBABY! *faint*

The only thing he did was fall blissfully and completely asleep.

Parents, these kids may be small and floppy but they are tough. Your precious cherub needs the snug, warm cocoon of that swaddle to feel secure. So stop being such a pansy and get in there and swaddle that kid. Pull it tight, tuck it in. Use velcro, wings, zippers, whatever floats your boat. But trust me… if you ever want to get sleep again? Swaddle that kid while there is still time. Because in 5 months when they start rolling over and the swaddle is history? You’re going to want those hours of sleep back that you could have had.

Not to scare you or anything. Swaddle Fail - StraightJacket Of course then there are those kids that HATE the swaddle. And for you? All I can offer is my sympathy. Good Luck!

 

*****

So my story is only ONE CHAPTER of a longer book! (Super Cool, right?) In fact, it’s Chapter 9 in the MAM Blogger Real Parenting Guide, an awesome e-book about how eye opening parenting can really be. The REAL Joys of Pregnancy? Projectile poop? It’s all there!!

*****

 

Want to win a $100 Babies “R” Us gift card?

Leave a comment below answering the following question: “What’s the funniest thing you said, or heard of someone saying while in labor?”

Sweepstakes Rules:
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Leave a comment in response to the sweepstakes prompt on this post

Tweet (public message) about this promotion; including exactly the following unique term in your tweet message: “#SweepstakesEntry”; and leave the URL to that tweet in a comment on this post

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For those with no Twitter or blog, read the official rules to learn about an alternate form of entry.

This giveaway is open to US Residents age 18 or older. Winner will be selected via random draw, and will be notified by e-mail. You have 72 hours to get back to me, otherwise a new winner will be selected.

The Official Rules are available here.

This sweepstakes runs from 08/21/13-10/07/13.

 

Be sure to visit the MAM Brand Page on BlogHer.com where you can read other bloggers’ posts and find more chances to win!

  • http://onefrugalgirl.com One Frugal Girl

    A nurse said rate your pain. I said a 9 when I was 5 centimeters upon admittance. She said ‘oh honey that’s cute. Get braced for it, you have no idea what’s coming.”

    • http://www.its-fitting.com Ashley @ It’s Fitting

      BWAHAHAHAHAHAHA. That’s AMAZING. It’s funny how you can just SEE the nurses rolling their eyes behind your back :-) What did you think once you got to 9?

  • http://onefrugalgirl.com One Frugal Girl
  • sandra

    i don’t remember what i said during labor!

    • http://www.its-fitting.com Ashley @ It’s Fitting

      HAHA. It is kind of a whirlwind…

  • Kelly D

    I screamed after a nurse to bring me drugs please!

    • http://www.its-fitting.com Ashley @ It’s Fitting

      Seriously… ouch.

  • Kelly D
  • Mami2jcn

    Good thing I had an enema earlier!

    • http://www.its-fitting.com Ashley @ It’s Fitting

      BWAHAHAHAHAHA. That’s awesome. :-)

  • Mami2jcn

    tweet–https://twitter.com/mami2jcn/status/370712431472812032

  • Sarah Petersen

    I was informed by my husband that I kept saying “I’m an idiot” (during transition, I’m pretty sure, though we weren’t quite clued in about that then). There was a lot more going on in my head at the time; I’d opted to deliver naturally, and was thinking about an acquaintance we’d just heard from who had had her baby the day before and had gotten an epidural, slept all night and woke up to push, etc. So I was thinking about how most people go that route, and maybe I was kind of dumb for wanting to go natural. Apparently that translated to chanting “I’m an idiot.”

    For what it’s worth, #2 is due in a week and a half (and I suspect she’s coming sooner) and I’m planning to go naturally again, so other than transition, I was happy with my choice. We’ll see what kind of crazy stuff I say this time, though.

    • http://www.its-fitting.com Ashley @ It’s Fitting

      Sarah that’s AWESOME. And no, you weren’t an idiot. I did it both ways and to be honest? They were both physically and emotionally hard, but obviously in different ways. The second time was I dropping a LOT of F Bombs though. Good thing she came quickly!

      • Sarah Petersen

        Oh, I don’t actually think I was an idiot! But I do think it’s hilarious that that’s how my brain apparently distilled all the stuff I was thinking about and experiencing at that moment. The funniest thing is that I have absolutely NO recollection of actually saying that, just of the more complicated thoughts in my head.

  • amy pugmire

    My hubby was trying to comfort me during a contraction and I screamed at him and told him to never touch me again!

    • http://www.its-fitting.com Ashley @ It’s Fitting

      For the most part, mine was weeping over me… I think he felt bad :-)

  • amy pugmire
  • Lindsey D.

    My first labor was 43 hours and I was starving. My husband made a covert trip to the vending machine but made the mistake of coming back in with the smell of Starburst on his breath. I told him if I smelled food again I would karate chop him in the throat.

    • http://www.its-fitting.com Ashley @ It’s Fitting

      Yeah, Brian wanted to go get dinner while I was in transition. I took everything I had not to staple his, AHEMS, to the chair. Good thing he didn’t leave though, because my daughter was born like 30 minutes later!

  • Jessie C.

    I am sure lots of swear and alien language came out from me at that moment. One thing I remember saying was yelling hubby to stop coaching me breathing.
    tcarolinep at gmail dot com

    • http://www.its-fitting.com Ashley @ It’s Fitting

      Yeah, i was yelling a lot of swear words. My doc thought I was hysterical…

  • Jessie C.

    -https://twitter.com/tcarolinep/status/372585390190116864

  • rachel

    I know someone who screamed at her husband “This is ALL your fault!” haha

    • http://www.its-fitting.com Ashley @ It’s Fitting

      Yeah… that. I never yelled at my hubby, but I did pretty much tell him he had one job and one job only… fan me like your life depends on it :-)

  • http://www.chambanachik-live.blogspot.com Erika

    I can’t remember much of what I said during labor- but I was shocked when I thought it was a girl and they announced it was a boy! :)

    chambanachik at gmail dot com

    • http://www.its-fitting.com Ashley @ It’s Fitting

      WOW! That would have thrown me for a loop for SURE!!

  • Katie K

    yelling at everyone to shut the hell up and go away lol

    • http://www.its-fitting.com Ashley @ It’s Fitting

      BWAHAHAHA. I LOVE it. :-)

  • Tamar

    I went into labor 6 weeks early, so it wasn’t funny but was totally me, the workaholic, who said “I am leaving the hospital, I am going back to work until the baby is ready.” (I stayed and he came out the next day)

    actually, for my second, I told jokes the WHOLE time with my doctor and the staff about anything and everything. Wish I remembered what I said. That was a fun night :)

    • http://www.its-fitting.com Ashley @ It’s Fitting

      Oh my gosh Tamar – a) I can’t believe you went back to work!! You are a savage :-) And your second time sounds a lot like mine!! Until the contractions started to really hurt… then I yelled a lot and dropped a ton of F bombs :-)

  • JennS

    I told my husband that labor was the grossest thing in my entire life…

    • http://www.its-fitting.com Ashley @ It’s Fitting

      If the shoe fits… ;-)

  • Wild Orchid

    The funniest thing wasn’t so much what I said, but when my water broke at the hospital in front of my husband, I was laughing so hard at his facial expression and fluid just kept coming harder each time I laughed. I guess you had to be there!

    Thanks for the chance to win!
    wildorchid985 at gmail dot com

    • http://www.its-fitting.com Ashley @ It’s Fitting

      That is AWESOME. My water broke with my first kiddo and I remember being like, oh boy… HERE WE GOOOOO! Of course my husband was on the golf course at the time. :-D

  • Wild Orchid

    tweet–https://twitter.com/WildOrchid985/status/375794765494636544

  • Debra Ford

    My girlfriend told me she fired her husband during delivery as her coach….he was not being helpful. I thought that was so funny

    • http://www.its-fitting.com Ashley @ It’s Fitting

      That’s why I had a doula. LOVED having a “coach” and then didn’t have to get mad at the husband.

  • Tina M

    I kept asking my hubby if I pooped

    • http://www.its-fitting.com Ashley @ It’s Fitting

      BWAHAHAHAHA – Isn’t it funny how in the middle of all of that, we totally care?

  • Tina M
  • D SCHMIDT

    The funniest thing I said during labor is that I had just remembered the yogurts I had in the fridge were about to expire and I needed to go home to collect them.

    • http://www.its-fitting.com Ashley @ It’s Fitting

      Always being a mom… even in the middle of labor :-)

      • D SCHMIDT

        I know! It is funny how it works lol. With my youngest son I had a c-section and the first thing I said after knowing he was ok is that my Husband had to make sure he got the yellow Lysol wipes and not the green ones because our other son did not like the smell. Its so bizarre that I seem obsessed with minuscule details when in labor/giving birth.

        • http://www.its-fitting.com Ashley @ It’s Fitting

          That’s awesome :-) Nesting at its finest!

  • D SCHMIDT
  • Anna Pry

    Me to my hubby: “Quick, hide my sandwich.” I was not going to listen to the hospital’s no food policy so I hid a sub in my hospital bag.
    pryfamily5@gmail.com

    • http://www.its-fitting.com Ashley @ It’s Fitting

      Um, post labor, when the kidlet was being weighed,bathed etc, my comment was “hide the beer”, because my hubby had brought me a beer to enjoy afterwards :-) The first beer in 9 months and it tasted like HEAVEN.

  • Anna Pry
  • heather

    my friend said i want the pain drugs now after she already had them

    • http://www.its-fitting.com Ashley @ It’s Fitting

      Those must have been some good ones!

  • Cynthia C

    I remember saying, “I’m never doing this again!” I guess you forget in time because I did.

    • http://www.its-fitting.com Ashley @ It’s Fitting

      Mommy amnesia. :-) Although honestly, if I had done no drugs with my first, I might not have been so ready to do it again with my second.

  • Cynthia C
  • Janice Cooper

    The funniest thing my friend said to her hubby during labor is I’m going to kill you when this is over

    • http://www.its-fitting.com Ashley @ It’s Fitting

      BWAHAHAHAHAHA. It’s ALL their fault.

  • Janice Cooper
  • Scott Martin

    My wife said, “Get this doctor out of here. He doesn’t know what he is doing!” He has been her OBGYN for years and delivered our first baby.

    • http://www.its-fitting.com Ashley @ It’s Fitting

      Hahahahahaha. That’s awesome!

  • stephanie

    telling me to calm down lol

  • stephanie
  • Elena

    My son was born so quick that I asked: “It is over already?”

    • http://www.its-fitting.com Ashley @ It’s Fitting

      That is SO awesome!

  • Elena
  • Dana

    did I just poop? lol

    • http://www.its-fitting.com Ashley @ It’s Fitting

      I was definitely more concerned with that during my first. My second (unmedicated) birth? I was like, OH WHO CARES LETS DO THIS!

  • Nicole Larsen

    LOL–I remember saying “I think I’m pooping…yep, I’m definitely pooping” hehe

    • http://www.its-fitting.com Ashley @ It’s Fitting

      Yeah, the pooping thing…

  • http://utry.it Amy Tong

    The funniest thing my friend said to her hubby during labor was, “It’s all your fault! And no No more babies!” It was their first child and they were planning to have 4 before she went to labor!

    amy [at] utry [dot] it

    • http://www.its-fitting.com Ashley @ It’s Fitting

      BWAHAHAHAHAHA. Did they end up having more?

  • http://utry.it Amy Tong
  • Melinda

    Someone I know said, “Please don’t let me poop on the table”

    • http://www.its-fitting.com Ashley @ It’s Fitting

      Pretty sad because at the end of the day… most of us do. Sigh.

  • Sean

    no deliveries for us yet, and guys dont really talk about this, so I have no idea.

    seanm1999 at hotmail dot com

    • http://www.its-fitting.com Ashley @ It’s Fitting

      Guys do… just after a few drinks… and they NEVER tell their wives that they do.

  • Melinda
  • http://www.gatormommyreviews.com Allie

    I don’t remember saying anything funny during labor. I was pretty drugged up so who knows.

  • Denise S

    A nurse threatened to leave me to give birth alone so I said, “fine, but I won’t know how to cut the cord.”

    • http://www.its-fitting.com Ashley @ It’s Fitting

      Wooooweee! Snarky nurses?

  • Debbie B

    i’m afraid its been too long ago for me – i don’t remember

    • http://www.its-fitting.com Ashley @ It’s Fitting

      Or your mind just blocked it out… ;-)

  • Debbie B
  • meredith

    You hear a lot of funny things working in the hospital on labor deck – best was ” its like a hurricane” in reference to labor

    • http://www.its-fitting.com Ashley @ It’s Fitting

      A hurricane. HAHAHAHAHAH.

  • meredith
  • joni

    I was so upset that they were going to have to do an emergency c-section, I said the “f” word and I never never swear. My hubby was so embarrassed, but we laugh about it now.

    • http://www.its-fitting.com Ashley @ It’s Fitting

      I’m very impressed with you. I dropped so many F bombs with my second (unmedicated) birth that I think my husband was blushing.

  • http://www.busyworkingmama.com BusyWorkingMama

    I wanted complete silence during labor. I threatened to kick my husband out of the delivery room for breathing too loudly.

    • http://www.its-fitting.com Ashley @ It’s Fitting

      Wow – complete silence? That’s AWESOME!

  • Shannon

    I didn’t say anything funny but I looked pretty funny…I was a hot mess walking those hallways and I couldn’t have cared less!

    • http://www.its-fitting.com Ashley @ It’s Fitting

      God, weren’t we all??

  • Stephanie Larison

    I was induced with my daughter and I was lying there in the hospital bed when I heard a huge pop sound from inside. It scared the hell out of me, and I jumped to sit up in the bed and said to the nurse in there “oh my god, either you just opened a pop, or I just popped”. She started laughing and came over, sure enough it was me. :)

    • http://www.its-fitting.com Ashley @ It’s Fitting

      Oh my lord, that would have scared me too!

  • steph

    “get me a sandwich!”

    • http://www.its-fitting.com Ashley @ It’s Fitting

      Hahah, I packed a lunch… :-)

  • steph
  • tina reynolds

    During my first I was asking for other ways to get the baby out that didn’t hurt like new procedures :)

  • tina reynolds
  • Betty C

    When the nurse asked me to time my contractions I told her I couldn’t stay awake long enough to time anything. I had been given meds to help me sleep through the early labor but it went much faster than the doctor expected.

    • http://www.its-fitting.com Ashley @ It’s Fitting

      Whoops!!

  • Erica Best

    a friend said When midwife was examining me, internally, she said my baby had a lot of hair. I responded by asking ‘Really? What colour is it?’

  • Erica Best
  • Michelle S

    Not really “funny”, but as soon as my little one came out I asked my husband if she had a lot of hair (bc I had heartburn the entire pregnancy).

  • Tabathia B

    Probably that I was having hot flashes, I was so hot and the nurse had to turn on the fan
    tbarrettno1 at gmail dot com

    • http://www.its-fitting.com Ashley @ It’s Fitting

      I had my husband fanning me like his life depended on it :-)

  • Tabathia B
  • Brittney House

    “You’re going to clean that up, right?”

  • Julia

    Someone said “are you sure you want an epidural?”
    You can guess the response, more than 20 hours in…

    • http://www.its-fitting.com Ashley @ It’s Fitting

      You should have responded with, ” are you sure you want me to punch you? “

  • gina

    I dont remember saying anything particularly funny in labor, but when our son was born my husband cut the cord on the wrong side of the clamp and I remember jokingly telling him the baby was only here for mere seconds and he was already putting him in harms way.

    • http://www.its-fitting.com Ashley @ It’s Fitting

      I’m sure he was traumatized :-)

  • Ellie W

    The only funny thing I remember saying while in labor was that I was never going through this again. And that was while I was in labor with the first of my three sons. I obviously did go through that again

    • http://www.its-fitting.com Ashley @ It’s Fitting

      Amazing how we forget, right?

  • Ellie W
  • Kerry

    It’s not really what I said, but what I did with the cool rag my hubby was using to “sooth” me. I didn’t want anyone touching me with all of the pain I was in. So I grabbed the rag from him and slapped him with it:)

    • http://www.its-fitting.com Ashley @ It’s Fitting

      HAHAHAHA, that’s awesome.

  • Bruce

    I don’t remember anything funny about it

  • Gianna

    I remember being told to try to hold the baby in until the doctor got there. Yeah right!

    • http://www.its-fitting.com Ashley @ It’s Fitting

      SO not happening. Like what, you’re going to cross your legs and hope they don’t pop out?

  • CharityS

    I kept asking for a Pepsi & pizza.

  • http://www.laurenpaints.com Lauren Harmon

    While my sister was in Labor with my niece she had advanced quicker than her nurses thought she would and they were telling her to literally “hold the baby in” until the doctor got there… Right before the doctor walked in my sister was yelling “WHERE IS MY DOCTOR? I’M PUSHING AND HAVING THIS BABY WITH OR WITHOUT HER.” It cracked us all up because that is SO unlike my sister.

    • http://www.its-fitting.com Ashley @ It’s Fitting

      That was SO me! My doctor told me to breathe through the next contraction. My daughter had other plans and pretty much SHOT out. I started yelling F words and screaming about how she was COOOOOOMING… the doctor came skidding around the curtain with his hands out like he was going to catch a football. ;-)

  • Erica C.

    I don’t have any good stories!

  • Mihaela Day

    My husband kept saying “I am sorry baby…” with each contraction…he was panicking

    • http://www.its-fitting.com Ashley @ It’s Fitting

      Mine was crying if it makes you feel any better :-)

  • Heidi Back

    My first baby was a swaddler. It almost always calmed her right down!

    I was so lucky. She was the easiest baby ever, even my labor was a snap.

    I was induced at 5pm and much to my doctor’s surprise, delivered her at 7pm. He was just checking me to see if I was dilated far enough for the epidural. He was in the middle of telling me about a drug they could give me in the IV, if I wasn’t and if I really felt I needed something. I think he thought I was kind of a wuss for calling him in already. Anyhow, he’s telling me about the effects the drug might have on the baby if I chose them while he’s checking me to see if I dilated yet when all the sudden he tells my sister to grab a leg and starts shouting for nurses. Funniest thing I heard- Him yelling I need a pan, someone get me a pan, She’s coming NOW!!
    I never did get an epidural of course, I got a 600 mg Motrin.

    • http://www.its-fitting.com Ashley @ It’s Fitting

      You are a badass. Seriously.

  • Betty C
  • http://100726thSt melikegarfield

    I don’t recall anything I said but my sister in law Selina grab my brother’s hand in labor and screamed: “I want your finger off so you can feel my pain”. She grabbed his hand (with his wedding ring) so hard it swelled up for days.

  • susan smoaks

    My friend told her husband that she hated him because he had done this to her. it was hilarious!

    susansmoaks at gmail dot com

    • http://www.its-fitting.com Ashley @ It’s Fitting

      Oh yeah… damn men ;-)

  • Leah Shumack

    During labor? Nothing as I had an emergency c-section so it all went by quickly but I was told over and over that I’d have a small baby. When they pulled her out my midwife was like OMG she’s HUGE!! Was almost 9 lbs

    • http://www.its-fitting.com Ashley @ It’s Fitting

      Isn’t it so funny how they tell you that your baby is large/small and they’re usually wrong. My second was almost a week late and they kept saying how HUUUGE I was and how HUUGE she was going to be. Ha, all 7 pounds 6 ounces of her.

  • http://poeticpussycats.tumblr.com/ angie lilly

    My dad declared loudly that I was a deformed alien when I came out all pink and cone-headed and the doc had to correct him to calm down my mom who had not seen me yet! LOL

    • http://www.its-fitting.com Ashley @ It’s Fitting

      BWAHAHAHAHAHAHA That’s awesome!!

      • http://fotomacro.tumblr.com/ angie lilly

        LOL yeah…cone no longer present and while I am pale I am not hot pink unless sunburned! LOL

        • http://www.its-fitting.com Ashley @ It’s Fitting

          Phew… I’m sure he’s relieved *grin*

  • http://poeticpussycats.tumblr.com/ angie lilly
  • Amanda Sakovitz

    My cousin kept saying she wanted an italian sub as soon as possible!

    • http://www.its-fitting.com Ashley @ It’s Fitting

      Seriously, labor makes you STARVING!

  • Amanda Sakovitz
  • Thomas Murphy

    My wife said she was taking a long vacation by herself!

    • http://www.its-fitting.com Ashley @ It’s Fitting

      That’s my dream too… :-)

  • Thomas Murphy
  • http://1785s.klinewy Sarah L

    No kids. No funny story. I want to win this for my friend’s grand daughter and her new baby.
    Thanks for the contest.

  • Sarah L
  • Betty Dennis

    I could always breath thru contractions and never felt that need to push. The first baby, I had back labor for awhile. Amazing what a difference it made to have my husband apply pressure to counter. And he mentioned how sore his arm was but the nurse told him to man up. I appreciated that

    • http://www.its-fitting.com Ashley @ It’s Fitting

      Isn’t that so funny? My husband spent a good portion of the time talking about how hungry he was… I was like, really?

  • Betty Dennis
  • amanda whitley

    i told my husband i still wanted one more, he thought it was funny.