When you’re pregnant, you tend to be pretty myopic. It’s all about getting through the 9 months and having a happy, healthy baby. You think about them growing inside you, how your body is providing them with life, how you are all growing and changing and the beauty of it all…
Then you have the baby and marvel in what your amazing body has done. Creating LIFE! You are a superhero! You are a WOMAN and ROWR – LOOK WHAT I DID!
But once that post labor- kick ass euphoria ends? It’s over… and no one really talks about what happens AFTER the fairytale ending. Because once that baby is out no one really cares about you anymore… and it’s all baby and how cute they are and how much they weigh and if they are eating well and pooping and blah blah blah. Meanwhile poor little old you has fallen by the wayside and may or may not be victim to the following post pregnancy horrors…
1) Split Personality-
So everyone tells you that when your milk comes in you will be… ahem, large. But what they don’t tell you that is that you may not be equally large on both sides. The first time around I had wonderful full boobs, with cleavage that my husband was allowed to appreciate from afar, but NEVER touch. Now? Ha. I shit you not my boobs have a split personality. One side is all tween and her first bra and the other one is like, WHOA-PAM-ANDERSON-STRAIGHT-UP-PORNSTAR. Sign me up for the freak-show.
2) Deflated balloons -
So if you’re nursing, you all know that your pornstar boob(s) will go away when you stop. But you don’t realize how fast they disappear. One morning you’re sporting rock solid FemBots, and the next? Tubesocks that hang down to your belly button. Just roll those babies up and stuff them in your bra, because they may (or may not) re-inflate later. In the meantime, invest in some cutlets and a great push up bra.
3) Mommy Wrist -
Holding your sweet little cherub will give you worse carpal tunnel than any office job, making your hands go numb and your arms ache… only to be replaced by pins and needles as the blood flow FINALLY goes back to normal after you set that little bologna loaf down.
4) Crazytown -
Guys… hormones are NO bullshit. Remember when I wrote about nesting? And how that insane influx of hormones was making me an anxiety-ridden basket case? Oh PUHLEEEZE. Post-partum hormones are much much worse. Obviously there can be issues with post-partum depression (which if you think you have, get your ass to your doctor STAT), but the super serious stuff aside? Hormones can make you completely and totally bonkers. The first few weeks post baby I would sit on the couch and weep… uncontrollably. I was soooo happy. I was soooo tired. I was sooo happy. I was soooo in love with my little bundle. I was sooooo happy. And on and on it went.
But what no one really tells you is that if you’re nursing? It happens again when you wean. I seriously think this is why women around the world nurse their kids until they are, like, 7 years old because the imbalance of hormones from weaning? HO-LY CRAP. These are not hormones of love. These are hormones of hysteria (my baby!) and rage (my boobs hurt!) and sadness (my baby!) and more rage (touch my rock-solid overly-engorged pornstar boobs and I WILL kill you husband). It’s a little intense to say the least. But at least when it’s all over you can roll up your tubesock boobs and forget it ever happened.
5) Get Crafty
You heard about the hair loss, right? That all that BEAUTIFUL hair you were holding on to (read:not shedding) for your entire pregnancy will eventually fall out in a giant clump and clog every.single.drain? Be prepared because it will eject itself from your head and attach itself to everything. Your house will be covered in it, your children will have it wrapped around digits and you will be picking it out of the strangest places (food, teeth, etc). Your husband will take it to work with him and people will wonder if he’s having an affair with an alpaca. Your pets will bitch about having to live in a house with another shedding animal. I kid you not this shit will get everywhere. Because it is no longer your hair, it is glue. And there is a TON of it and when it falls out of your head, it usually leaves little bald spots behind. And then baby fuzz after that.
Does it never end?
Those are the top five, but trust me, there are many, many more things that you couldn’t make up if you tried. Now don’t mind me, I’m going to go knit a bikini out of the hair I’ve lost… preferably one that will hold up my lopsided boobs.