The first day of work.
*shudder*
I knew it would be hard. I knew that it would probably suck and I also knew that I wasn’t going to have to do it for very long… but whoa. It SUCKED.
Now to be honest, at first it didn’t suck. I didn’t sleep very well (thank you Mr. Drew) but I got up, got showered, fed the baby, and was out the door on time without any inconsolable weeping at leaving my 14 week old baby at home with my husband and mother. (I love btw that it takes two of them and one of me to care for that child… needless to say I feel like wonderwoman) I even managed to look really cute in a new outfit.
I got to the office, absorbed compliments from people that I looked great for having had a baby (yes people, I am really that vain that I just said that but hey… I think it’s pretty amazing that I look like this after having a baby too… *grin*) and caught up on the latest gossip (in our office there is a LOT right now).
I even felt slightly ashamed that I was happy to be out of the house and away from the kiddo that has kept me up for a few nights straight. I was tired, don’t get me wrong. The kind of tired that has you reeling through the office, feeling slightly drunk, and yet so amped up on caffeine that you are talking a MILLION MILES A MINUTE… (I know, you can’t tell at ALL that I’ve done the same thing today…)
That was until my mom brought my handsome boy into the office for lunch.
I felt paralyzed. And right then, kind of shocked at how inept I felt at being a mother. Like, career Ashley and mom Ashley could not possibly exist in the same universe and what was this THING my mother had brought to work with her? A baby? I didn’t have a baby… I’m a career woman!
It was awful and weird and I hated it. Like really and truly hated it.
I got home that night to my kiddo in his witching hour. So there were no smiles and love and giggles like I’ve had every day for the past 14 weeks. Instead I came home to a cranky boy that wanted to eat, take a bath and then go to bed.
So I cried.
And then he slept like crap and I woke up this morning after about maybe 3 hours of sleep.
And I cried again.
And I realized that being a mom is ALREADY a full time job. And that I have to give ridiculous amounts of credit to the women who have to work and be a mom and don’t have the option to stay at home. But I also have to give credit to the women who stay home and clean the house and make dinner and do everything that needs to be done during the one hour spurts that their child is sleeping because it is really really hard.
So I gave my notice.
And while there are a few circumstances that go along with giving my notice… (we are moving this spring, more on that later) I just think that I am not one of those women who can work and be a mom. I want to give %100 to my kid and to my job and I’m just not capable of doing both. I know there are TONS of women out there who can, and I am grown up enough to recognize that I probably could as well, but I don’t want to. I want to be at home with the Boogie. I want to get our routines down and learn how to really keep house, and how to make dinner for the hubby when he’s home and be a good mom and wife. I would love to have my career and to move up the corporate ladder but right now, it’s not my top priority.
So come 4:30pm on January 29th, I will retire from the corporate world and become a stay at home mom.
:-)
