Once upon a time, not so long ago, I wrote a post… It was an emotional post, baring my soul and sadness to the entire internet about how, after four measly weeks of trying I was decidedly not pregnant. I cringe a little bit now, looking back on it, for its obnoxious self indulgence but whatever… that’s what a blog is for, right?? I was legitimately sad about the appearance of “Aunt Martha” (my husband’s name for it, don’t even ask) but I knew that we really had all the time in the world to keep, ahem… practicing. 
And so, because I wrote that post, put it out there for all to see and officially into the blogosphere to haunt me for all time… the internet Gods decided to make me look like an obnoxious fool. Because despite the appearance of “AM”, AND a negative pregnancy test… four days later I felt, well strange.
It was an adventure day, a trip to Pump it Up, a place that is a god-sent for any parent who lives in the Northwest and has to deal with an obnoxious preschooler when it rains. You get to take them, throw them into an inflated land where the odds of them breaking their neck is only a little bit reduced and let them run. Like wild, maniac hooligans hopped up on speed. The place is awesome and always a little bit overwhelming, but that particular day I was having a rough go of it. Instead of my normal vim and vigor, the thought of carrying that monkey on my back, straight up the side of the damn slide was exhausting. Actually standing upright felt exhausting.
Weird.
After heading home, I checked the mail to find the monster package of ovulation and pregnancy tests that I had ordered off Amazon. (Seriously, is there ANYTHING you can’t get there?) Even though it had only been four days before, I decided to go ahead and pee on some sticks, just to appease myself. Only because I felt SO damn weird. “I’m peeing on my money,” I thought, “Good thing they were cheap.”
Holy Shitbalz is that a positive???
I peed on a few more just to make sure I didn’t have an anomaly on my hands. And every.single.one of them was positive.
So yeah. In case you hadn’t noticed by the absence of coherent thought on this blog for the past 2 months, the inability to do anything but post pictures, or the irritability caused by a lack of wine in my diet, I am all sorts of knocked up.
And I’m not even just a little bit knocked up. I am 12 weeks of sore boobs, terrible allergies, and nausea… and according to the ultrasound am currently gestating a ball of lint with legs.
But it’s a cute ball of lint that will be making an appearance sometime around Christmas.
Holy Crap.
*****
Just to scare the ever loving shit out of you, apparently it IS possible to get a period AND a negative pregnancy test and still be %100 knocked up. So, have fun stressing about that one the next time you breathe a sigh of relief over the absence of the pink line.
The universe can be a weird, cruel place.
