So Ashley’s pregnant, in case you haven’t heard. Like, gigantic-belly-and-ready-to-choke-a-husband pregnant. Luckily, she has a friend like me. I am the friend who tells it like it is to my grumpy, swollen and desperate friends who are ready to just be done with the whole gestation thing. I’m not offering up suggestions for making the most out of the 
last few days before birth, or tips on how to organize the baby’s layette. Nope. After having seven of my own little demon spawn, I know how it feels to be D-O-N-E. I am here to discuss popular tips on how to get that tiny guest (who has over stayed his/her welcome,) out of the womb and my thoughts on how well it does or does not work. Ready? Let’s do this.
12 Ways To Evict A Baby AKA: How To Induce Labor Naturally
- Walk. Actually, don’t walk. Run. Run like the wind. Then squat, do 20,000 lunges and do P90X five times in a row. Even if it doesn’t trigger labor, you’ll end up with killer glutes and quads. Walking never worked for me. All it did was make me more tired.
- Brew cumin and potato tea. This is an old Hispanic tradition. I brewed it. I drank it. It did nothing but give me cumin breath, but at least the bad breath kept my husband and his die hard libido away.
- Have a glass of wine. The idea is that the wine will relax you and put you into labor. Pffffft. I could have consumed a whole bottle and the only result would have been a drunken fetus who was looking for a bar fight. Not good when that fetus is surrounded by your ribs and organs.
- Get it on. Orgasm triggers uterine contractions. If you can find a position that doesn’t make you feel like an 2 ton elephant doing interpretive dance and every movement doesn’t make you want to punch your partner in the gonads, go for it. Some people find it easy to orgasm during pregnancy. Me? I’d have had an easier time finding the Holy Grail.
- Evening Primrose. Either in capsule form or oil. I took a few every day. It is supposed to help ripen the cervix. I have no idea if it really helped because I wasn’t about to take a magnifying glass and check it out. Some midwives suggest letting your husband massage the oil onto the cervix. Just the thought of that makes me gaggy. More power to you though, if you choose that route.
- Spicy food. Prepare to be gassy and have acid reflux like a MoFo. This method is a giant LIE in my opinion.
- Put the water bottle down. Dehydration causes uterine contractions. I just had more contractions that didn’t result in the onset of labor. We will talk more in depth about dehydration in a minute.
- Acupressure. My sister, who is a licensed massage therapist, did this on my when I was in early labor. It helped strengthen and speed up contractions. I don’t think it can actually induce labor though.
- Eat dates. Only do this if you are at home. It is a lot of fiber, if you get my drift.
- Nipple stimulation. Get out the breast pump and see if it works! It worked to bring on contractions for me, but that is after labor had already started. Do this in the privacy of your own room or you will look like a freak if anyone walks in on you.
- Castor oil. This was by far the worst induction experience I’ve ever had. I was a week over due. I took a few tablespoons of it (which tasted like eating a tube of lipstick,) and waited. Ten minutes later, my butt was glued to the toilet and I was wishing that I was dead. The oil caused severe diarrhea and dehydration. This caused cramping. I went to the hospital in expectation to be admitted. Nope. The contractions were fruitless. I wanted to make myself a shirt that said “I drank castor oil and all I got was a flaming butthole.” *The baby never came on his own. I was induced one week later.
- Sweeping the membranes. Winner, winner, chicken dinner! This was, by far, the most effective method of inducing labor. I had my 39 week appointment, the nurse stripped my membranes upon request (some will not do this because they are heartless witches,) I went home with mild contractions and was in full labor within the next two hours.
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Kadi is an inappropriate blogger and social strategist. She can be found perusing the aisles of Target and Instagramming the crap out of her life. Kadi also likes to hang out on Twitter and FB when she isn’t creating social strategy for brands.
