Procreator Beware: The Survival List
Did you happen to notice that picture of the poor woman having her postpartum uterus pummeled by fighting children? That is me, just after giving birth to my fifth baby. When I tell pregnant or adopting people that they have no idea what they are in for, I’m not joking. Case in point: My cousin, Melissa was in the process of adopting a child a few years back. One of the requirements in the adoption process, is baby proofing the home. She was sharing some of the things that needed to be done and commenting that the list of baby proofing was a mile long. I did not have the heart to tell her that the list was only a fragment of things that really needed to be changed in her abode, to accommodate the arrival of a child. So here is an addendum to the standard list. It works for both adoption and child birth. I call it the “Survival List…AKA: Survivalist.”
- Rip out all existing flooring and replace with cement. It is the only floor that can be pressure washed.
- Paint your walls the color of poop. It will save you hours of wall washing.
- Forget central vac. Install central cap (as in cappuccino. Trust me, you’ll need all the caffeine you can get.)
- Put an eject mechanism in your side of the bed. It is the only thing that will make you get up after a night of childhood illnesses and colic.
- Throw out all of your party attire. Those days are over.
- Install locks on the outsides of all windows and doors. Every child tries to escape once and you never know which opening it will be out of.
- Buy lots and lots of band aids. Every bump, scrape and owie needs one. DO NOT ever let your supply run out.
- Store all sharp kitchen utensils out of reach. Better yet, throw them out completely. There is no such thing as “out of reach.”
- Program The Wiggles, Higgly Town Heroes and JoJo’s Circus, into the remote or Tivo. Forget about all of your favorite shows. Your life will be all Disney, all the time.
- Buy ear plugs for the “but why, mommy?” stage.
- Sell all of your nice stuff. Get some money from it now, while it is all in one piece.
- Forget baby gates. They are better at keeping out adults. Just put up more walls with doors that have locks on both sides.
- Got stairs? Make it into a slide. Otherwise you will worry endlessly about the inevitable tumble that will happen.
- Got dogs? (I know you do, M.) Kiss them goodbye. Even good dogs can bite.
- Replace your nice furniture with IKEA stuff. Beanbags, cheap tables and anything paper. Don’t laugh…I’m serious.
- Put a lock on the pantry and fridge. Oh, and the dryer and washer. Come to think of it, just put a lock on every damn thing in your house.
- Put a ladder by the counter. It is much safer than the 10 shoe boxes that little junior will stack up in order to reach that cookie jar.
- Cover all walls with stainless steel.
- Take all cleaning chemicals and pour them out. Three items….lemon juice, baking soda and vinegar. All you need to clean your house without having to call Poison Control when junior finds them.
- Throw out all mirrors and reflective items. You will not want to see your reflection after endless weeks of sleepless nights.
- Turn off the phone. People will be calling end bugging you with their tips and advice. They mean well, but forget how annoying it is for a new mom to be barraged with a crap load of phone calls.
- Buy one of those electronic schedule thingies. You will not remember anything past the last five minutes.
- Install an automatic flusher on the toilet. Children are either incapable of remembering to flush, or like to get a reaction from a disgusted mom who finds stagnating poop for the tenth time in one day.
- Keep a vacuum running and at the ready all day. Crumbs happen, dirt happens and the white noise is good for a sleeping baby.
- Buy a tape and record the phrase, “You are the parent.” Play it while you sleep at night. Sometimes it is easy to forget who’s running the show.
- Attach red and black objects to every fan. When the baby is inconsolable, place him/her under the fan and turn it on. Instant mobile!
- Buy a beer hat. You know, the ones with the straws that extend to your mouth. Puree all food and pour it into the hat. It is the only way you will have time to eat.
- If you have a boy, take out the toilet and just dig a giant hole. They never pee in the toilet anyway. You have a husband, so you already know this. Then attach a bungee to the door so you can keep them from falling in the hole.
- Get another dish washer. You will need two.
- Install a panic room where you can escape to and the kid(s) will never find you. It sounds crazy….now. Just wait until they are seven or older and summer break arrives. You’ll thank me for this one!
- Prepare for life to NEVER be the same. Somethings will be better, others will be worse, but nothing will be the same ever again.
*****
