So remember when I wrote about the dirty little secrets that no one tells you about AFTER you have the baby?

Well apparently I forgot (or blocked out) a few.

Some of my amazing readers and other bloggers felt the need to remind me of the ones that I’d forgotten, the ones that few people talk about… even to their closest friends. These are the horrors that await…

* ‘Rhoids Rage

Hemorrhoids or “Butt Grapes” can come either at the end of pregnancy or after all.that.pushing. Yes my friends, you will probably get them. And yes, you will actually have to start using Preparation H for something other than the bags under your eyes.

* No Shit

As in, seriously, you do not want to poop. Because the thought of taking one ever again after giving birth is completely traumatizing. Like,  nothing can EVER COME OUT DOWN THERE AGAIN. But guess what? Most hospitals will make you stay until you do and it will be the scariest poop you’ve EVER TAKEN. My advice? COLACE. LOTS AND LOTS OF COLACE.

* You Will Never Laugh Again…

Or sneeze, or cough, or do a jumping jack… at least without wetting yourself. And all that laughing you did at those “leaks happen” commercials? This might be time to start rockin’ some Poise.

* More Sex? HAHAHAHAHA

You just went through 9 months of pregnancy and either had your baby removed through major abdominal surgery or shot it out of your hooha. The thought of making another one and doing that again might be a little traumatizing at first. So at that 6 week appointment when your doctor tells you that you are ok’ed for sex? Try not to laugh in his face or punch him in the junk. You’ll be ready again… Eventually.

* But Yet, Getting Naked…

The upside to having a baby is that you will never again feel self conscious about being naked in a room full of people. Once you’ve gone through labor in front of a gallery of nurses, a doctor and your partner, you’ll never be afraid to strut your stuff through a crowd. Because none of that crowd will have their heads where THOSE people did.

Labor is hard. It can be scary and intense but is most definitely a beautiful and life changing experience. And even the trauma of post pregnancy recovery can’t hold a candle to what you’ve done. So no matter what you look like for the rest of your life, how many pounds you lose or keep and where those boobs end up, remember that you earned those battle scars.

You are a mother.

A giver of life.

A freaking ROCKSTAR.

And no amount of post pregnancy horror will make it any less amazing.

Have you seen the 4th Trimester Bodies Project? See how beautiful post pregnancy can really be.